I’m looking at real estate again, that is. Homes for sale. Damn, prices have DROPPED! I still feel like I’m just dreaming out loud again with this. I don’t think that Joey’s on the same page as I am with purchasing a new home. Ever since the recession, he’s had a major case of cold feet. I know it’s probably the best idea to just hang tight and keep our savings intact, but I just can’t exist without dreaming. If I’m not dreaming/hoping/planning I’m so miserable. I’m hanging on by a thread here, mentally as it is and if I don’t find something to look forward to or hope for, I might as well just jump off a cliff. (I’m exaggerating) (a little bit)

There is this ONE house. Oh My God, I die. (channeling my inner Zoe) I mean, it’s like my DREAM house. And it’s in our price range, and that is what breaks my heart into a million pieces. It’s so close, yet so far! I sent him the link to the house and he just mumbled something about high taxes. *sigh. I hate this. I hate having to depend on him for the things that I want. I hate that my idea of a great time is planning for the future, talking about the things that I’d like out of life, etc. and as far as my husband is concerned, well, that is his idea of torture.

It brings up deeper feelings of resentment in me and I don’t even know that I want to go there. Let’s just say that I realize how ridiculous it sounds to say things like *MY* dream house and *OUR* price range. I get it. I’m an asshole. Shoulda not gotten knocked up so early in life and made my own damn way in life. Like I said…deeper issues. Whatever.

I really want to move. I really need something major to change in my life. I’m kind of in despair. There is a little light at the end of my tunnel right this second though because I am finally going to see a dr. about my health (mental and otherwise). The whole insurance mess has kept me from seeking medical help for far too long. I feel like I’ve been in a state of constant complaining since the dreaded operation I had in ‘06. I’m getting sick of hearing myself bitch about it. The fact of the matter is that I have not been the same since that day. Things have gone straight down hill fast. I have a notepad full of various symptoms and issues that all stem from that fucking day…

That fucking day.

I know a new house won’t solve my problems. But it would give me something else to focus on, and God knows I need something else to focus on.

I’ve been feeling a bit better these past few days. I know almost for certain that the nice weather is mostly the reason, and I’m sure grateful for it. I’ve been neglecting myself for these past long months and I’m finally starting to find a spark of interest in the things that make me- ME again.

I was telling my mom the other day how I remember there was a time where I would not even step one foot out of the house without my face made up and my hair done. Nothing ever over the top, but certainly I’d reach for the lipgloss and sunglasses if I had to go somewhere quick. Well, let’s just say that the past few months I hadn’t been doing anysuchthing. I seriously went out of the house to run the girls here and there, or pick them up from various places in hideous condition. I’m talking bad, people. Like, I’m almost embarrassed at the mental picture of myself I see right now, lol.

It’s not that I wasn’t aware of the change and my appearance as much as I just did not care. I seriously imagined What not to Wear ambushing me any day. As much as it surprises me to see myself in such condition where I truly and really did not care what anyone thought of me and what I looked like- I still knew that it was not like me and that at some point this attitude had to give way.

Although I’m not winning any beauty pageants any time soon, I do find myself spending a few minutes primping myself and actually considering painting my toe nails. I even went out today and treated myself to some new makeup and hair products. Next week I’m booking myself a much needed hair appt.

I am seriously thinking about having a heart to heart with my husband about re-locating to another state. Somewhere that gets plenty of sun and milder winters because I just dread thinking about what another winter will do to my soul. I sound like such a drama queen, forreals lol.

But honest to God, it got really dark and now that the clouds seem to be parting I don’t want to ever feel that way again. It’s not a small thing that I would be asking because with things being so uncertain financially these days, a re-location is really the last thing I should be thinking about. But really, I wasn’t any fun to be around and I’m pretty sure nobody else wants to see me go through that again. Because, like they say…when mama’s not happy NOBODY’S happy! lol

So, the topic was brought up on Momversation (below) about negativity online and how it tends to be contagious. This topic resonates with me personally, because the past few months for me have been a living hell, but I’ve tried very hard not to portray negativity to those around me.

For example, if you happen to follow me on twitter, you might get a totally different picture of what is currently going on inside my head. I don’t know why it is that I feel it’s so important to appear like I have it all together when inside, I’m falling apart. I have no idea. I bet it’s part of my problem.

However, I do know that when I’m constantly hearing or reading about how terrible the economy is, or seeing people taking digs at each other online, etc. I do sort of soak that in and it makes me feel worse. On the other hand, I’ve had days where I’m feeling totally crappy and down and read something positive someone has to say, and my day looks up. So, I feel the need to try and keep things light and pleasant-ish.

This may come across as being phony to others, but really what I’m doing is trying to focus on what’s good and omit the bad parts for the sake of others who I may be affecting with my words.

What do you do when you are SO miserable that you can’t manage to say anything positive? Do you just refuse to speak? I’m dead serious. I can’t fake happy anymore.

Me: Justin it’s lunch time. Do you want mommy to make you corn on the cob with your chicken fingers?
Justin: Corn on the cob?!
Me: Yes, you like corn on the cob :)
Justin: I DON’T LIKE CORN ON THE COB!!

Me: Justin you need to get your sockies, shoes and sweater. We are going to the store to pick up dinner.
Justin: I have to put on socks?!!
Me: Yes, it’s cold outside!
Justin: I DON’T WANT TO PUT ON SOCKS!

Seriously, the little dude is disgruntled today.

I just wanted to bump that can of beets off the top of my blog.  So here I am. Weird, I had tons of stuff to talk about literally about an hour ago and I used up all my brain cells apparently messing with the theme and header.  The girls are home now so it’s chaos once again here.  Mom, I’m hungry! Mom can you drive me to so and so’s house? Mom what are you making for dinner? Joey calls from work – “hey, did you iron those pants for me? and, make sure the girls finish cleaning their rooms.”

I love and hate it at the same time. Lately, I am just seeking solitude. It’s like when you’re having contractions and you just want to be alone and work it out in your brain, you know? Maybe that’s just me. But this winter seems to be kicking my ass. More so than others in the past. *sigh. I just want it to be over with.

I can’t stand being cooped up. I can’t stand the bundling up to go down to the grocery store. I can’t stand brushing off the snow on my car every morning and afternoon. I can’t stand sharing my husband with shoveling. When he’s home, I want to be with him.  Not out there shoveling snow for hours :(  I can’t stand not being able to open up my windows and hear the outside noise. I miss crickets and birds. I miss the sun, warming my face. AAck.  I’m so over it, but it’s all I seem to be able to talk about lately.

This past Thanksgiving, J went out to get all the groceries for our dinner. He got the stuffing mix, the potatoes, the turkey (for them), gravy, etc etc. And this can of BEETS. Now, I know that this is random, because although I love beets, we never, ever buy them. But I noticed that the picture on the can looks so much like the cranberry jello hunk that we always get and immediately I knew that he just mixed them up.

So, I playfully said to him “You thought these were cranberry, didn’t you! hahaha” Funny, right? Well, for some God forsaken reason my husband decides to take offense to this?!!! He gets all mad and says he KNEW they were beets and he just wanted beets. He didn’t want cranberry jello hunk this year, he just wanted them BEETS! Sometimes, a man just wants some beets! What?!! Like all MAD and stuff!

I’m sorry, but I just CAN’T for the life of me let that go! NO YOU DID NOT crave beets! You thought you were picking up cranberry jello hunk and you picked up beets! It’s OK! Admit it. ADMIT IT! The can is STILL there, because you know, he was craving the beets so much that he totally forgot he bought them.

So now, everytime I walk by that can of beets and he’s nearby I feel the need to make some comment about it because I. CAN’T. LET. IT. GO. “Hey, J you want some cran…I mean BEETS for dinner tonight?” or “Oh, I know what! maybe you can have a turkey sandwich with some BEETS on the side!” or “I found this great recipe for cranberry pear relish…now I can use that can of…oh, nevermind. I only have these BEETS.”

Don’t you just wish you could be married to me?

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We just got back from Disney! I can’t believe how good it feels to be home now that I’m here, lol. If Joey had said to me “let’s stay a few more days” I would’ve totally taken him up on it. But now that I’m back I’m happy to be home where I can poop away from everyone (dang hotel rooms) and I can get back to work.  I’m so bummed because I created all these themes for fall and winter and had intended to sell them on the shop, but it’s taken me so long to get that up and running that they’re off season now, lol.

Anyways, I gained 4 pounds on my trip and now I have to get back on my workout game. I ate so much crap! Stuff I would not normally eat at home. That’s what I get. I’m uploading a bunch of vacation pictures up on my flickr account (friends only for family pics) so if you wanna take a gander over there you can see them. I’m off to bed now, I’m POOPED!

So Melissa is about to make a can of Campbell’s chicken noodle soup and next thing I know I hear this LOUD pop! in the kitchen. I’m talking like if a firecracker went off inside the house. Followed by a scream and crash. I run over there to see and the stupid can EXPLODED on her. How friggin bizzare.

I have the can right here and I’m going to send it to them with a nice little complaint and lawsuit threat. heh. Free crappy soup for life baby!